Would You Believe Me?

Would you believe me if I told you that I’m often in a place lately where I wish someone could see me. Drowning. Ask me how I am and see right through the “im fine” and “yeah, I’m okay.” Hug me tight and let me know they see right through me Would you believe me that my anxiety has been at an all time high so much lately that I pretend to take more drugs to not seem so weird. But no amount of drugs eases the tightness in my chest. I want your help and support But my brain fights your every suggestion I can’t figure out if I’m for or against me Most days I annoy myself Moments where I can’t seem to say anything right and keep doing stupid things that draw attention. It looks like fun but I’m inside yelling to please just stop. It’s bad enough battling insecurities let me add to that a dash of paranoia and a sprinkle of feeling alone. Would you believe me if I told you that even though it reeks of codependent toxicity, I would do most anything you ask without question. I may joke but I knew from the get, all you will hear are yes’s I’m a hopeless romantic conflicted with fear that I may be hopelessly foolish to believe in true love. I’ve been the notch in belts I’ve been the conquest taken to say they have I’ve been the girl who plays hard to get only to be gotten with the challenge it presented them Like a conquest, I bet I can They all have one thing in common They all fooled me. Times of internet dating Social media And so many choices The grass is greener mentality is more common And we become more disposable. We say one thing wrong Maybe act human for a moment Then the others start looking more appealing Would you believe me when I tell you I don’t feel keepable. I’d dispose of me too. There are much better matches Flatter stomachs Without attatchments Plenty of other girls who aren’t constantly overthinking Girls who won’t test your love by pushing you away Girls who don’t cry every night And who don’t have to try College educated Flawless skin Not one roll A masterpiece when undressed I am more of a connect the dots Get lost in the rolls And less perk. My breasts are starting to try and escape me when I lay here Not fully pointed towards the floor yet I compare My body Mind And soul I shouldn’t But we live in a world of picture perfect Would you believe me if I told you that everyday I have to find reasons to love myself Although I wear my heart on my sleeve I keep you at arms length Please don’t look too closely You won’t like what you see Been used, bruised and tossed out too many times. Damaged goods. Full of a painful past that leaks out of me Contaminating Anything I wish to keep.