Why Am I Like This?

My mental health has been getting worse But i dont how to tell people Insecurity and relapsing hasn’t left my mind and my normal self i have yet to find purpose of life sometimes slips my head and i guess that’s why i find it hard to get out of bed my stomach had bugged my for some years but when i talk about it people let it go right past their ears i don’t really know what to do with myself it’s like everything i say or do seems to slip away i can’t fight the urge to cut again but i know that won’t help in the end but the temptation with my blade is somehow comforting it’s like it wants to give me a big squeeze so it can cut into my heart like a bullseye shot with a dart i’m 4 months clean but the shake in my body doesn’t feel real should i do it or should i not my stomach is twisting in knots i hate the way my mind thinks it’s like im cursed with a jinx pills and a blade just a reach away but if i do either my body will fadeaway i really don’t wanna die but all i can do is cry maybe i should go back on meds but i fear that it will put me back in bed my parents think everything is fine but really im lying i hate the way i am i dont what to do about myself i think i might just need time to heal but i dont know