I really hate you. I do. I used to just say that to make you hurt, but I didn't mean it then. I tried to see the person behind the rosebush and the barbed wire and the knives and the words that cut deeper than any physical thing could. I hope you know that I tried. I hope you know that you fucked it all up. It isnt my fault. You can't give yourself trauma. I was actually afraid of you that night. You threw it when you got angry, and I was terrified. Now I know I've been looking for something that died so long ago, i dont even know if I've ever seen it. It was all just an illusion, and I fell for it. I don't know how many times I spent crying all night trying to convince myself you were telling the truth in your apologies. I tried to tell myself I'm the only liar here. I guess I wasnt. And I learned from the best. I just hope you see this someday and remember what you did and know that I was scared of you, and I hope that keeps you up at night until the day you die, and I hope it follows you even after you're gone. I hope that I grow up to have kids who feel safe in their own home and who grow up learning how to communicate their emotions instead of walking on eggshells all day and night. I hope they believe me when I apologize for things, and I hope I will mean them. Because i dont want another you in this world. In fact, that is the last thing I want. I don't want another you, so they don't make another me because I am the most messed-up person, thanks to you. You say you care about me, but in reality, all you care about is your image. You are so wrapped up in how people perceive you that you don't even notice you do it. I hopeIi publish this one day, and everyone will know what a horrible person you are underneath the act, because I knew it was an act. So I looked for someone better under the mask, but I only uncovered a monster that should have been locked away, not disguised. So dad, I hope I never see you once I'm stable with money, because let's be honest, that will be the only reason I will ever come to see you.
Sincerely, your problematic child.
